In the distant future, the world has become a Megadeth song, people are named after guitars, and Margaux and I look at 1989’s Cyborg for this week’s Bad Movie Review.
Trevor: So that was…kinda awesome? Cyborg is a hard movie to judge, as if JCVD movies need anyone’s approval. It is by turns boring and cheesy/awesome.
Margaux: To be fair, Cyborg only got boring when they tried to literally explain the plot which was totally unnecessary and besides the point. But I know that in “Future New York,” everyone that’s evil dresses like an apocalyptic Village Person.
Trevor: Yeah, it was a pretty spectacular 80s apocalypse. People had names like “Gibson Rickenbacker,” “Fender Tremolo,” and “Marshall Strat,” and it was never really explained why or how. But if you’re looking for answers to Cyborg, Cyborg is the wrong place to start. Cyborg ain’t care.
IMDb says that JCVD was named Gibson as a nod to Mel “Mad Max” Gibson, but I call bullshit. Everyone was named after guitars. Except for the people like Pearl Prophet, who were named after drums. Do you get to pick your own name in the wasteland? Cause that would be fantastic.
Margaux: Well, they clearly got to pick the way they dressed. Sorry I’m not sorry to keep harping on wardrobe but I have a lot of Q’s for the costume designer – mainly, WHY? And in this future wasteland, all your fights get scored by some omnipresent, 80s video game? Cause that was awesomely 80s.
For so much of Cyborg though, I couldn’t tell if The Walking Dead borrowed some inspiration from Cyborg or vise versa. All the talk about “cures” and “needing to get to Atlanta,” and JCVD’s long, blank stares triggering an ongoing, and tortured-soul flashback of the things he’s done to survive – just sometimes made me feel like I was watching a porno rip off of TWD but without the sex scenes.
I’m getting a little ahead of myself, because JCVD’s…style in his flashbacks – LOL, he looks like Bruce Jenner in a dirty button down.
Trevor: The flashbacks – which I didn’t even try to reconcile with the main story; if JCVD doesn’t have to care, then neither do I – were pretty insane, if for no other reason than JCVD’s wig. (We’re maybe 500 words into this, and we’ve already written “JCVD” more times than has been written in the history of GAMbIT.)
Margaux: WHY DID HIS WIG HAVE BANGS?!?!?! It looked like JCVD and his romantic interest in the flashbacks thought it’d be funny if they switched wigs while shooting takes. And no one ever noticed.
But can we talk about how all the survivors in the apocalypse do not like they would be fit to live through an apocalypse? The main “villain” who tries to kill JCVD twice – unsuccessfully, duh – looks like a South Beach Florida “glamour” model. What was with his The Host contact lens?
Trevor: You mean the fearsome FENDER TREMOLO, played by Vincent Klyn in his no-bullshit second film role ever? I think someone told him “You’re just doing motion work for a video game,” and he was all, “Good, cause this is goofy-ass shit. Am I wearing a chainmail tunic? And wraparound shades?” And then the movie came out and he probably had a hard time getting dates. (Even though he was pretty ripped, all things considered.)
Margaux: You mean Klyn’s response to the line, “go to hell” with “been there” didn’t get him mad pussy afterward? SHAME. Either way, he made for one pretty-ass bad-guy who likes to terrorize women and children alike! Even though his acts of cruelty are never explicitly shown.
Trevor: Strangely enough though, Cyborg was pretty bloodless. And it had to be edited down to avoid an X rating. Even then, it didn’t look like it’d be an R; maybe a hard PG-13. Or maybe they were hoping they could still use the footage for the Masters of the Universe sequel it was originally intended to be (not a joke).
Margaux: WHAT?! THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE – HOW, WHAT – THIS INFO IS MORE CONFUSING THAN SERIAL.
Not only does JCVD get a several cans of whoop ass opened on him, he’s effing crucified on a pirate ship at one point – how would this ever tie into Masters of the Universe?
Trevor: I wrote in my notes something about the crucifixion being a little less than subtle, before realizing, this is a goddamn JCVD movie called Cyborg and I’m expecting subtlety? At that point, the problem is mine, not the movie’s. I do like that his solution to the problem (a solution that didn’t fucking work) is to kick the hell out of the post before Nady comes to rescue him. Nady as played by Deborah Richter, who gets naked totally out of nowhere.
Margaux: And other than that, is by and large useless. Except for never listening to dang thing JCVD tells her to do, hence barely advancing the plot into more fight scenes with her stupidity; “guess I should of stayed put”. Bitch nearly dies two or three times and their meeting is them attempting (and failing) to kill one another – I cannot stress how little she meant to the film. She basically stalks JCVD into letting her come with him to Atlanta to ensure Pearl the Cyborg makes it her home base thing safely, he tries to ditch her – repeatedly. He even tells her, “I’m gone” and just straight LEAVES – still doesn’t get the hint. In all the scenes she was in, I felt just as saddled with her as JCVD.
Trevor: I barely remembered why she was with him, but I can’t even approximate the level of hate you feel towards her, haha. My guess is Nady existed as a plot device to transition chase scenes into fight scenes; JCVD kept having to rescue her dumb ass, because there’s no way the Muscles from Brussels couldn’t handle his own shit. If she weren’t there he would’ve been fine.
Margaux: Well, except, not so much. In his flashbacks, we find out this isn’t his first dance with Fender, Fender somehow got JCVD, Flashback Love Interest, and Love Interest’s son suspended in a well – the latter two ultimately breaking JCVD’s fall.
In present time (?), JCVD gets a heavy beat down from Fender before getting strapped up to the conveniently located ships mast. And then, cause it’s the 80s, has a final showdown with Fender in the RAIN (OF COURSE) that he seems to be losing. If Nady didn’t erratically pounce on Fender’s back, distracting him, JCVD wouldn’t have recovered (again).
Trevor: Gibson was probably distracted because Fender yelled throughout that ENTIRE FIGHT. Just constant screaming. Like I said, Cyborg is kinda awesome? (Also, I love the bait and switch of putting JCVD in a movie called Cyborg, and not making him the cyborg. Must have been a big letdown to all theatergoers who were expecting robot karate, the best kind of karate.)
Margaux: I wrote in my notes towards the end, “it never stays quiet for too long, someone is always screaming or grunting in lieu of dialogue.” I would say the screams and grunts are the real soundtrack to this movie.
Ugh, and we didn’t even touch on the “Ellie” connection between Gibson and Fender. Who, I must say, had me guessing at whether she was a mute or if it was a character choice for her not speak until the final 15 minutes of Cyborg.
Trevor: I’m sticking to my original rule – if the movie doesn’t care, neither do I.
Haha, I was just looking through my notes and found this: “Cause of death: severe dick trauma.” Cyborg HATED groins.
Margaux: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am SO glad you brought that up. I turned to Sean, several alarming times throughout, and said, “why does everyone hate each others’ nuts so much?” There were a comical amount of nut shots, like a fuckin’ Adam Sandler movie level. But Cyborg was at least bearable. Likable even.
Trevor: One lingering question: Gibson is a “Slinger,” which Ellie says she wants to be when she grows up; another time, before a fight, Gibson’s opponent growls, “I kill Slingers.” Sooo…what the hell is a Slinger? I know what a Pirate is, the movie made that pretty obvious, but I’m still in the dark about Slingers.
Margaux: I don’t know, they never really bothered to establish that beyond characters saying it at random soooooooo….FART NOISE
If Slingers have burner phones though, I’m gonna go with drug dealers – other than that, outta ideas.
Trevor: I think FART NOISE sums it up nicely. Well, maybe add DICK PUNCH.
Margaux: FART NOISE – DICK PUNCH, I think it sounds lovely together.
Trevor: It’s got a musical lilt to it.
So, even though Cyborg defies explanation and JCVD would probably punch my dick off for trying to rate one of his films, what are you thinking for stars?
Margaux: Three and half stars. It’s largely an enjoyable, 80s cheese ball movie but when it tries to be more than it is, the length of it (and all the questions) start to weight a little heavily.
Watch it for the dick punches and chainmail tunic – a hot trend for Winter 2014.
What’d you think? This was your first JCVD movie! Popped dat JCVD cherry – oh God, I instantly take all that back…
Trevor: Haha, well I’m glad it was my first because all things considered it was pretty gentle. (This imagery is terrible.) Something like Bloodsport would have been too rough. But overall I liked it – it was JCVD in the 80s, so I got pretty much what I expected. (Although, and this made me laugh, Cyborg came out in 1989 and felt like it came out in 1983.)
Margaux: That is funny because up until this very moment, I firmly believed it came out in 1984 – AND I looked at the IMDB page yesterday.
Trevor: It’s always 1984 when you’re JCVD.
About Author
