In honor of Ben Affleck, who will appear this weekend in David Fincher’s Gone Girl, Margaux suggested that we take a look at 2002’s The Third Wheel. I will never forgive her for it. (Oh, by the way, this installment of BMR will be light on pictures, because after scouring the Internet, I could only find two pictures from this movie.)
Trevor: What the fuck was that? I mean, I think it was a movie – it was on Netflix, it was about 90 minutes long, and it had a beginning, middle, and end (kinda). But it wasn’t a film, not really. It careened from one scene to the next, and not a single character spoke or behaved like an actual human. And this wasn’t in the good Quentin Tarantino way.
Margaux: It was a lot of Ben Affleck calling Luke Wilson “Mad Dog” or what I assume Affleck thinks is “improv.” The Third Wheel didn’t have a beginning, middle, or end – it just fucking happens to you, then it’s over and everyone sings and dances to Young MC’s “Bust a Move.” Netflix describes it as a “quirky, romantic comedy”. Which must translate into “nonsensical” cause that’s what The Third Wheel was. The only part I audibly laughed is when I read that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck EXECUTIVE PRODUCED THIS.
Trevor: I feel like Ben Affleck – one of the few people in The Third Wheel who actually seemed, at times, to try – did this as a favor to writer Jay Lacopo, who played Phil. Lacopo co-wrote and starred in a short, directed by Ben Affleck in 1993, called I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three Picture Deal at Disney.
Margaux: Hold up, that’s a real life short Lacopo wrote – and got made – that landed him a deal with Disney? That shit just isn’t fair.
Trevor: I just think it’s funny that Ben Affleck – who after some serious career rehab, is now known as the director of slick prestige pics like Argo and The Town, made his filmmaking debut with Lesbian Wife. I’m gonna try to track it down on YouTube, but if Jay Lacopo is involved, I don’t think I want to be.
Margaux: Ha! Wow, I guess it can’t all be art when you’re starting out. And I’m positive most of The Third Wheel’s issues begin and end with the script written by Lacopo.
From the writing, it would seem as if Lacopo has ever met a real woman or has been on a date with one because most of Luke Wilson’s character (Stanley, which just made me think of The Mask) motivation sounded like he’s goddamn stalking Denise Richards – who already has it rough enough, being Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife.
Trevor: Yeah, I wanna get to Lacopo, because I have some serious problems with this guy. But for the benefit of our readers, let’s rehash the plot, briefly:
Stanley (Luke Wilson) works at a nondescript company that might as well be called Business, Inc (reminded me of Vincent Adultman from BoJack Horseman). Diana (Richards) joins the company, and a year later Stanley works up the balls to ask her out. But on the one night where everything has to go right,Stanley bumps into – literally! – Phil, a wacky homeless man, who turns everything upside down! (I hope my sarcasm conveys how shitty this movie is.)
Margaux: You did forget, Stanley picks the day after Diana has broken up with a boyfriend to make his move. And that’s not even the first creepy thing Stanley does in this movie – listening to and having a conversation with sex-having neighbors is MOMENT ONE of this movie. Should give you an idea of this movie’s hapless tone(?). Anyway, the fact that Diana is very recently single could’ve been foreshadowing (though I doubt this movie is smart enough for that) but really this tidbit just leads to best cameo and acting in whole movie, Fucking Matt Damon.
Trevor: Can we talk about how psychotic everyone at Stanley’s office is? He asks out Diana, and she says yes (which is genuinely surprising, because Luke Wilson’s face looks like someone sat on Play-Doh), but before, during, and after their conversation, he’s watched and talked about by every single person there. Then they all go to Kevin’s (Affleck) apartment after work to place bets on the date! Is that legal? I mean, if HR found out about it, I can’t imagine it’d go down well. “If Diana gets an abortion in three weeks, it pays off 200-1!”
Margaux: I wrote down at one point, “the sound effects and reaction shots of co-workers are straight bananas – it’s been 15 mins.” EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT OFFICE HAS A STAKE IN THIS FIRST DATE. And of Stanley’s co-workers is a horribly underused Melissa McCarthy?
Trevor: Oh yeah, the cameos! What the fuck. There’s McCarthy, Jeff Garlin, MAD TV’s Nicole Sullivan, and Lauren Graham – fuckin Lorelei Gilmore – who literally has no lines, she only walks past the camera long enough for the viewer to think “Was that Lauren Graham?”
Margaux: I just shouted “GILMORE GIRLS REUNION” at my dog. He wasn’t down.
Trevor: And the first thing that Jeff Garlin does? Beg Stanley for a donut, then after being refused, steal one from a sleeping homeless man. Oh, those disgusting fatties, always stealing food and eating entire rotisserie chickens and clearing out buffets!
Margaux: Haha what’s really sad is I kept thinking the donut Garlin steals in the beginning would back someway, NOPE! He’s only a terrible person…or something.
But really, Garlin was the start of characters establishing firmly who they are and then immediately acting contrary to that. Denise Richards character Diana is a good place to start because Stanley’s confusing ass character is nearly worthy of a thesis of how not to write a human person. BUT ANYWAY, DIANA. She’s depicted at first to be a serious busy-business lady but on their date, kind of comes off a ditz and with no real direction.
Trevor: I’d say a good eighty percent of Diana’s lines were “(laughs).” She laughed so much! I wonder if Lacopo knew he had a piece of dogshit on his hands, and thought he could Ludovico the audience into thinking this is funny. “If they see Denise Richards laugh, they’ll have to laugh along! She’s pretty! They don’t wanna look stupid!”
Margaux: She laughed so much, I wrote, “I wish I found anything in this movie 20% as funny as Richards character does.” She was the personal laugh track of the film. And it was unbearable.
Trevor: Let’s talk about Phil, as played by Lacopo, aka the bizarro Trey Parker. Only difference is, if Trey Parker played Phil, Phil might actually have been funny. Like, this is supposed to be the funniest character in the movie, right? Luke Wilson is the straight man, Ben Affleck is the best friend, Denise Richards is the bombshell, and Phil is…?
And the worst part was, everyone loved Phil! Even when he got on the bus and started singing that stupid fucking song. If that happened in real life I’d be terrified, because those kinds of people tend to enjoy activities of the “stabbing” variety. But nope, Phil gets everyone in on it! How self-serving is that of Jay Lacopo? Anyone could have played that role, but no, it had to go to the “writer” of this miscarriage.
Margaux: No shit; everything in this movie is self-serving for Lacopo, he squandered production budget to make a karaoke video out of the end credits. I’m sure Lacopo went in with good intentions but really, this movie is an abortion. Who’s on the bus? STAB YOU IN THE MOUTH IS ON THE BUS.
Oh, and how about the “reveal” at the very end that Phil is a sorta con man/hobo/fraud/loves to pretend his life is The Glass Menagerie? I don’t know what any of it is supposed to mean.
Trevor: I think the film was trying to posit him as some kind of strange guardian angel. Also, Stanley made that Glass Menagerie connection really fast. Faster than me, and I’m a smart guy. “Oh, he said menagerie! And the animals are made of glass! We’re through the looking glass, here – he’s making this all up!”
So what’s Phil’s plan at the end, when he “gets run over” by the two asshole impound lot workers? I mean, if he’s the guardian angel type, it makes sense why he’s latch on to Stanley’s date and try to help, but what is he going to do with Carl and Hank?
Moreover, when he entered Diana’s apartment to be creepy, how far would he have gone if Stanley hadn’t shown up? “Sorry Stanley, took you too long, now I’ve raped Diana.” Roll credits.
Margaux: RIGHT?! But at that point, I stopped trying to make sense of anything that happened. Stanley’s turn about Menagerie-Menagerie honestly pushed me over the edge. Plus, between the insane sound effects and random music, I found it super hard to heard the shitty dialogue.
I just never recovered from the fact that Stanley has planned this date for a FUCKING YEAR – I cannot stress how goddamn creepy that is. And when he kept blaming Phil for “ruining his date” – which, by the looks of drinks, was already DOA – I’d had it with Stanley being a “nice guy” then randomly changing his mind. Don’t even get me started about that shitty play he ended up dragging Diana to anyway.
Trevor: That’s right, this movie is super quiet! Typically when I watch TV my volume is around 30, sometimes 40. The Third Wheel forced me to turn it up to 100.
And yes, creepy is an understatement. I know on paper this might have looked very romantic, but you’re a woman with a boyfriend – how would you have reacted if Sean planned out this evening that ended with gaslamp-lit champagne and roses in the park, and also gave you a long speech? On the first date?? That’s insane! That’s like something you’d do on your first anniversary, but for a first date it’d be less creepy if you went to Barnes & Noble to pick out books of baby names.
Margaux: I’m surprised that Diana didn’t end up with several restraining orders by the movie’s end.
Also not surprised that Miramax doesn’t exist anymore if they greenlit crap like this.
Trevor: I want a restraining order against Jay Lacopo. I could not stand this movie. I laughed once – when Stanley and his coworkers are trying to help out a guy who needs a quarter for the meter, Stanley throws him a coin and it immediately busts the guy’s windshield. That was funny. And that’s all that was funny.
Margaux: Even barely funny moments like those were always undercut by something that was unfunny and went on too long – Wilson’s fake phone call that he CARRIES ON after Affleck has called him out on it.
And all those jokes at Kevin’s house about who’s in charge of “the board” where everyone is placing bets. I felt like that was an inside set joke I missed the front half of and only kept getting the annoyingly unfunny “punch line” of.
Trevor: I’m by no means an uptight or prudish person, but I thought the board was kind of sick. As were the periodic updates throughout the night. Not to mention the coworkers SPYING on Stanley (including the O-face guy from Office Space, obviously). If I was on a date and found out that my coworkers not only bet on it but stalked me for the duration, I would feel fucking violated.
I did like Ben Affleck and Melissa McCarthy making out, though, even if it came out of nowhere. But we got to hear Affleck say “I’ve always wanted to get my swerve on on my bike,” which adds credibility to your theory that Lacopo has never spoken to an actual human before.
Margaux: That line ruined that moment and I felt my respect grow ten-fold for McCarthy who was able to act through that bullshit line and just make the fuck out with Batman.
Trevor: Good point. McCarthy is one of the few other actors in The Third Wheel who seemed to try, probably because she didn’t have fuck-you money from Bridesmaids and The Heat at the time. It’s bad enough she’s stuck on Mike & Molly. God, I’d love to be a fly on the wall if Lacopo calls her up to do The Third Wheel 2: Get Your Phil.
Margaux: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Goddamn it, I hated this movie.
Trevor: At a certain point, there’s nothing else you can say. It’s been 2,000 words, and we’re both capable writers, but at the end of the day, we just hated this. Top to bottom, hated it.
Margaux: I think the only good thing that could possibly ever come out of this movie is the some sort of making of/behind the scenes doc. THAT would be funny.
Trevor: Let’s make a movie about the making of this movie. I’ll play Jay Lacopo, you play Denise Richards. We’ll get a cinder block to play Luke Wilson; they have about the same amount of screen presence.
And that’s another thing that bugged me – I like Luke Wilson, but he was such a fucking vacuum of charisma in this that he just gave ammunition to all his detractors who say that he’s only famous because of his brother.
I digress. Star count? Then I need to take a hot shower. Maybe in lye.
Margaux: When Denise I’ve-played-a-nuclear-physicist Richards is making her fake laughter more convincing than your performance, you’re totally fucked. To whatever credit I can give Luke Wilson, he looked physically pained to be in The Third Wheel.
Star count wise, I’m tempted to pull a Tyra Banks and give it a fucking 0 but out of sheer pity, mixed with weirdo star cameos, I’ll give it a one.
Did you expect to see Nick Offerman pop up at one too, or just me?
Trevor: I wish he would have. I really, really do.
Margaux: I think we shouldn’t watch a “bad” rom-com for a long while…
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