I couldn’t be happier about the end of Lindsay unless you told me Big Bang Theory had just been cancelled.
The road to recovery is paved with half-truths and staying out late, in the interest of not boring you for two hours as the series finale did me, I separated the B.S. into three categories:
Shit She Expects Us To Believe
Dude, WHY?
Progress a la Lindsay
“Part Seven” and “Part Eight”, shown back to back, is a lot to unpack. Let’s get this shit over with.
Shit She Expects Us To Believe:
In “Part Seven”, she accepts an unpaid role on Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street that she naturally fucks up by not caring about anyone else’s time. The call time is reasonably at 1PM, by 3PM an executive producer on set that has had it, tells them if they don’t leave in the next five minutes, forget it. She leaves exactly at 3:05. Jesus christ.
Lindsay blames her lateness on a “a bad chest cold”, she can’t even shoot the two wild lines required of her. “She doesn’t have very much going on” Matt accurately tells camera, as an excuse for Lindsay still being on her “night schedule”. But why is she always going out-out? Shouldn’t she be at home, doing her yoga or mediation, binge watching something? Almost anything is more productive because it’s not super smart to be around people who are trading weed stories and sipping on vodka/tonics. They’re not bad, per say, just seems a little premature. Drunks aren’t the most fun to be around when you’re not one. “There was a point I was surrounding myself with the wrong kinds of people.” Looks like you still are hun.
During “Part Eight” Matt leaves for LA, seeming like he quit (finally and/or thank God, for his hairlines sake). Playing his NDA close to the vest, no one can say for sure. But verbal abuse is probably high up there on the list of why. Matt does return six weeks later to help Lindsay with the east coast leg of her promotional tour of the Lindsay. So it’s hard to say if the rumors Lohan couldn’t afford him after production wrap or not are true. He say it’s for “the week” and they’ll take it “day by day” after that.
Speaking of rumors, Lindsay addresses two current ones in a confessional, after her appearance on Letterman.
One, The Sex List. A step from the Betty Ford Center, “step five…or eight”, is to list your sexual inventory. Lindsay claims she never leaked the picture in question, that it was someone that had helped her move that’s no longer in her life. A well-worn explanation we’ve heard from her, tons. Surprisingly, her tear ducts still work and she musters up some tears, probably at the thought of banging Ashton Kutcher.
This is the first of two hard pills we’re expected to swallow.
The second being why she blew off filming for two weeks – which two weeks, I must point out, she doesn’t clarify. Besides not feeling “on” enough to participate, Lohan suffered a miscarriage.
Before I say what I want, let me preface by saying, if this is true – it is very sad, deeply personal and deserves empathy. That being said, and having watched all eight parts of Lindsay, I don’t buy it. I might be cold as a T-1000 but don’t think I’m alone in suspending my disbelief here.
I’ll leave the baby-daddy guessing and horrible fanfic of what Lindsay would be like as a Mother to the Internet.
Lohan does assure us she’s in a much better place now, she saw herself die and be born on an acid-sounding trip with a shaman. Who is she? IRL Sac from Wedding Crashers? Stop traffic cause the Dalai Lama is reading this right now and wanting to kill himself.
Dude, WHY?
After her botched shoot with Billy on the Street, she feels well enough to leave for Miami to celebrate Art Basel. She’s not going to events, only sunning herself on Star Island, the crew is not invited.
She doesn’t turn the camera on herself during the drama that unfolds with Barron Hilton. Frankly, I could care less if it’s true or not. Every Hilton should be punched in the face more often.
She comments on the Hilton dust up to camera, “I’m not going to explain”. Duly noted. I’m more interested in the married man who sent a jet for her – that sounds…super legit.
Lohan wants to release a long winded statement she wrote on her iPhone about what’s really rill in her current state of affairs. Her team rightfully shuts her down her “statement” that ends with, “PS: I’m not going to Art Basel next year.” Sick burn Lindsay, see you didn’t learn anything, not letting the haters stop you from still going to Coachella this year, where the rumors about her behavior were worse.
At community service with the kids she said a few episodes ago she loves, she bitches about going. “At this point you’d think, after all these years, maybe they’ll just say enough is enough and let the whole thing go.” Are you kidding me? IT’S COURT MANDATED. Jesus, I like…can’t even. Seriously, please be quiet Lindsay, spend more time praying on things and less talking.
Progress a la Lindsay:
Lindsay arrives on time to Jingle Ball to announce Miley Cyrus, another free gig aimed at boosting her rep. It’s the largest public appearance since rehab, so why not bring your weird Russian friends along.
I understand this segment is meant to show us she still has fans, people still know her and want to know about her. But does that even mean anything anymore? Lots of dildos have “a following”.
Lindsay tells camera she’s hella jelly of other people living a life she feels she’s entitled to. She attributes going out to part of the problem, but she always admitting to random crap then, turning around and keeps doing it all the time? Let the other actresses who actually show up and don’t make everyone’s life constant hell GET THE ROLES.
She might get her wish of starring in movies once again, meeting with Hilary Shor about Inconceivable. On an on-time streak, Lindsay shows up early to her meeting with the producer, who seems to want her in the movie. Yes, I too have forgotten how talented she is. This show, not helping.
Lohan talks a lot about creating a life worth living, which includes another photo shoot (which she arrives on time for, sorry Elle!) for Nylon Singapore.
Luckily this one does not rely on natural light, and in contrast to what happened last week, the photographer loves her. Maybe she’s coming around, finally? Who takes Nylon more seriously than Elle though?
All the little hints Lindsay keeps dropping throughout both episodes, how she writes everything, pays off when she meets a literary agent. Lohan wants to keep telling her story, beyond this docuseries, Lord knows for what reason. Even though Dina has a book coming out, Lindsay’s take on things will be seh dif. Cause like, she’s kept journals and stuff her whole life.
I like to imagine that her “journals” are actually out of date, non working cell phones she’s jotted coke fueled thoughts on.
The supposed deal that was going to happen in two weeks hasn’t happened in real time yet, a lot like Lindsay’s”moment”.
Trying to become a multi hyphenate, Lindsay is hopping on the app game with her brother, a partner in their karaoke singing app. After her meet and greet with more fans, she chills out at the bar, not drinking – everyone else is though. I understand being sober is a challenge but isn’t this how she’s backslid her last five times?
“There’s always hope,” her brother Michael says, this show has left me feeling hopeless as shit.
Lohan jets to China for a fashion award, not quite an Oscar but hey, it’s what she’s known for. Then Lohan takes off for Sundance for a press conference for her involvement in her new movie, Inconceivable. Wow, it’s like she actually has a job for once on this show.
When she returns to New York, we find out for all her efforts to score her apartment, the owner wants to sell. At least she still has her sense of humor about her name, “Hi, I’m Lindsay Lohan, let’s fuck this place up.” It never gets cleared up whether she will have to move out in the next 30 days.
With her movie filming in June, thanks to her work ethic being restored via the filming of Lindsay, is the Comeback Kid…coming back?
At this point, I could care the fuck less until a real movie comes out. One thing is for sure, the circus of attention she claims to of always wanted? Congrats, you’ve gotten it.
And thank God this is over.
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